Lately I have been having trouble with decisions. I am going to blame unemployment. When I had a job, I made decisions regularly and with abandon. I didn't think twice because I knew I was right because I am as awesome as Barney Stinson.
Since I don't have anything to do (except apply for millions of jobs, write a novel, post in this every day, and make things for my etsy website), I spent the better part of this afternoon trying to decide whether to make a croque madame or a croque monsieur for lunch. (For those of you who aren't familiar with french grilled sandwiches, a croque monsieur is grilled ham & cheese, and a croque madame is the same, plus a fried egg on top). To egg, or not to egg, that was the real question. In the end, I left it up to the fates. I started off by assembling the croque monsieur. I figured, if I really wanted the egg, when the time came and the cheese was done melting into oozy goodness, I could easily fry it up for the topping with minimal effort. It was at this stage that I realized that the trouble I have been having is less about the decision and more about making the commitment to one or the other.
One of my favorite ways to avoid commitments is to let the time run out. I am in a constant state of race against the clock. In the case of today's lunch, I started making the croque monsieur. Moments later (after having forgotten about the fact I was even making lunch), it was burning. I simply ran out of time to make the egg portion to turn it into a Madame. Decision made with no commitments: croque monsieur it is.
I apply this very same technique to other aspects of my life. I need to buy a car if I stay in CT. However, if I apply to enough jobs before I buy a car, then maybe I will get a job where I don't need a car before the car is bought. OR, if I get a job where I need a car, I can register it in the state the job is in, instead of first registering it in CT and then registering it elsewhere. But, if the car I want to buy ends up needing to be bought before a job happens, I will just have to buy the car and be done with it. Decision made, true commitment avoided.
As I sit here, a veritable Doogie Howser writing in my computer journal we will call this blog, reflecting on my past and thinking about my future, I realize I've spent the first 27 years of my life leaving things up to the something out there that is greater than me (I can't even commit to a higher power) and hoping that one day all of the stars will align and I will have a job that I like, a home, a boyfriend/husband, maybe a child but definitely a dog, and most importantly, a place where I feel I belong in the world.
As much as I want to stop this feeling that nothing is in my control, in many ways it is easier. If I could call upon the Purple People Eater to solve my problems, I probably would. Instead, I'm just going to continue my non-existent 5 year plan and let things roll the way they roll.
[Yes, there were three Neil Patrick Harris references in this post. And I do realize there wasn't much point to this entry, but I am kind of out of time so I am just going to put it up here anyway.]