My legacy

I posted this on a friend's Facebook page, because it's amazing:



And he posted it on his blog, for the New York Times.

Mindless Minute


So, I have changed the world and left a mark. I can die now.

The Wolfman

The Wolfman, an updated version of the classic monster story, offers pretty much what you expect. A man is going to get bit, he's going to become a wolf, he's going to kill, and he's going to be killed. You know from the beginning who is going to kill him. There really aren't a lot of surprises or originality in store.

Perhaps the only new concept is that there is another wolfman. From this point, or even before, it doesn't take a genius to figure out there will be a wolf-on-wolf showdown. Instead of following in the classic tradition of Wolfman vs. Dracula or Wolfman vs. Frankenstein we have Wolfman vs. Wolfman. In a way, he's facing off with himself. It would seem poignant except that the character development is presented in flashbacks that are quick and choppy and feature effects not in keeping with the pacing and look of the rest of the film. In fact, they take away from the overall feel. So, I don't really care about the character's inner demons. The outer demon is much more interesting.


Although formulaic, the movie is entertaining. There are a few good quick scares. The attack scenes keep a balance between suggestive shadows and blood splatters and more modern heads being cut off and stomachs being torn open right in front of us. The effects are good and I give the movie a lot of credit for opting more for makeup and costumes over too much CG. The wolfman character himself is well-adapted from the classic Universal monster. No one is going to win any awards for this picture, but it didn't slaughter the original.


Rating: 5 out of 7 stars

Adventureland

“It was the worst job they ever imagined... and the best time of their lives.”

The poster for Adventureland itself is misleading; in bold letters, it boasts that the movie is from the director of Superbad. I actually didn’t care for Superbad, but it would lead one to believe this is going to be a gross out, fast paced, joke every 10 seconds comedy, which it isn’t. Bill Hader, Kristen Wigg, and Ryan Reynolds all promise potential for big laughs. Hader is funny, especially in a scene where he chases a man with a baseball bat, and then goes back to his task as if nothing happened. His funny moments are too few and far between. Wigg, who is the best thing to happen to "Saturday Night Live" in years, is completely underutilized and barely speaks in her few minutes on screen. Hader and Wigg's characters belong in a better, screwball comedy. Reynolds plays a completely phony douche bag, with none of his Van Wilder Charm. We don’t laugh with him or at him.

The tagline featured on the movie poster doesn’t really suit the film. Working in this amusement park is not “the worst job.” I definitely felt worse for Christina Applegate at her summer job cleaning out the grease traps and mopping the floor in the clown burger joint in Dont' Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead. And as far as the best time of their lives…the rest of their lives must be pretty weak.

The movie is set in the late ‘80s, which has no effect on the story except for some of the fashion (which is pointless since teenagers now wear ‘80s inspired crap) and featuring some obvious and a few forgotten ‘80s songs. James Brennan (Jesse Eisenberg) had plans to travel to Europe and go to graduate school at Columbia. His father’s demotion forces him to forget those plans and instead get a job to save money to move to New York. Having no real work experience, the only thing he can find is working the games at the amusement park with the locals. Once there, he quickly falls for Em (Kristen Stewart), who is sleeping with the married maintenance man (Reynolds). Throw in the hot girl, the childhood friend who regularly punches James in the balls, the nerdy, atheist, Jewish sidekick, and the cast is complete. The story is predictable right up to the end: realization, confrontation, rumors, breakdowns, and happy ending.

There are about 20 minutes of a decent film here, with many long, uninspired scenes filling in the gaps. Jesse Eisenberg is good, but he is too similar to Michael Cera, that I spent the whole time wishing that his character were played by Cera. Kristen Stewart is much better here than in Twilight, in which her performance convinced me she couldn’t act. The film could have been a lot funnier. Without the laughs, the story isn’t compelling or unique enough to make a good movie.

Rating: 4/7

Friday the 13th

This past weekend was Valentine’s Day. That wasn’t until Saturday. I have nothing to celebrate for Valentine’s Day, but I’m not the type to sit around and mope about being single, or have an “F Valentine’s Day Party.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that, any excuse to have a party is okay by me. This weekend for me was Friday the 13th weekend. There are actually three this year (the most there can be in a calendar year), but this one was extra special because it brought us the remake of the deranged mother of modern slasher films: Friday the 13th. I wasn’t even given any pity Valentines this year. On Facebook, I received a Victims of Jason Voorhees gift.

Unlike the original Friday, Jason is the silent stalker in this film, not his vengeful mommy. Her part of the story is covered during the credits as she faces off with the only survivor from the first massacre. Inexplicably back from the dead, Jason witnesses Pamela Voorhees get decapitated. Even though out of the 11 films in the series (including the Freddy crossover) Mrs. Voorhees only appears in the original, the character deserves a little more attention. Jason has constantly been tricked and influenced by imitations or mentions of his mother. The heroine of Friday the 13th Part II wore her years-old blood stained sweater to convince Jason to stop. Freddy used her to essentially reduce Jason to the scared 10 year old boy he really is. Even in the remake, one of the characters looks like Jason’s mom and it may save her life. Given this acknowledgment, and the fact that the hundreds of people Jason has killed or will kill are all for his mother, she should have been given a prologue, not clips during the credits.

For the most part, this is a remake of the original four Fridays, ending with "The Final Chapter." Part I is covered during the credits, and II, III, and IV (which in the original series supposedly took place over one weekend) cover the rest of the film. Plotlines and references from these films do make it into the remake, which made this horror junky happy. Jason wears the white hood for his first attacks, until he finds his iconic hockey mask in a barn. Jared Padelecki plays Clay, who is looking for his missing sister Whitney, just as Rob was in "The Final Chapter." At least in this film the plot makes more sense, as Whitney has been missing for a month, not two days. Of course, there are teenagers camping and on the quest for sex in-tents sex (see what I did there?) and wild marijuana, and another group of teens in a beautiful lake house. No tents for them. And they already have the weed. The good thing about this is, the body count is high at 13.

There are promising elements in this remake. Some of the first deaths involve a bear trap and a girl stuck inside a sleeping bag, which Jason has hung from a tree over a campfire. I thought, and possibly whispered, “This Jason is sick!” It makes sense that a deranged, deformed, reanimated orphan who lives alone in the woods would make intricate traps and long, painful deaths for his victims. We also see Jason’s underground lair, where he stockpiles random items (being a packrat is his first hobby before murder), and even has a bell connected to trip wires so he knows when someone is on his turf. His lair could have been much scarier, and it would have been interesting to see a few shots of Jason spending time in there.

The rest of the film has a few funny moments and does build up the suspense more than the older movies. The big item in the minus column is that the deaths themselves are pretty standard- ax to the back, arrow through the head (and there is a bug zapper that could have played in so nicely and is left unused). Of course, a few people are dispatched with the machete, but that’s a classic and you can’t take that away from Jason. Even if you did, he would get it back and lop your head off. The new Jason of the first few minutes- twisted, vengeful, clever- spends the middle of the film boring the audience to death until the final showdown. The showdown is not the greatest fight for our favorite pissed off goalie, or the beautiful teenagers we’ve grown to hope don’t get murdered, but it does keep you guessing what’s going to happen. One character I thought would make it to the end bites it with 10 minutes to go, so I award bonus points for shock value. I don’t think I am ruining anything when I say it has the standard could-have-a-sequel horror movie ending. With Jason, who has been burned, hanged, buried, hacked with a machete, drowned, cryogenically frozen, blown into hundreds of flesh bits, and impersonated by an angry local, there could always be a sequel. Overall, it doesn’t reinvent, explain, or improve much so it is just unnecessary. For the die-hard horror fans, I would say go see this because it is still entertaining.

Rating: 5 out 0f 7

He's Just Not That Into You

When I first saw previews for He’s Just Not That Into You, I wondered: why are so many big name actors in this so-so looking movie? I thought maybe, just maybe, it could be a not-quite-as-good Love, Actually. It wasn’t.

The movie opens with a scene in which a mother consoles her daughter who has just been yelled at and pushed by a boy at the playground, by telling her he did it because he likes you. Soon follows a montage of women in bars, in sororities, in a military boot camp, and even in a small African village telling their friends the many reasons men don’t call back is that they are either insecure, intimidated, or perhaps lost their “hut number.” Or is it, as the title proposes that He’s Just Not That Into You?

The story focuses on four women at different stages of the game. Mary (Drew Barrymore) is dating in the technological age when she can find time- on Myspace, through texting, and getting messages on her cell phone and her work phone. Her storyline could seem overly cutesy, but her role is small and it’s genuinely funny when she complains about how exhausting it is to be rejected through all these media.

Gigi (Ginnifer Goodwin) is doing everything the old fashioned way- yes she cyber stalks, but she mainly stalks in person, and does “drive-bys” to bars where she might run into certain men. Even with a cell phone and internet access, Gigi waits around her apartment on weekends wondering why her pink, corded house-phone (I didn’t know anyone still had house phones besides my parents and grandparents) isn’t ringing after a guy said he would call. Maybe because he said “It was nice to meet you” at the end of the date. While she may not be techno-savvy, she does gain some insight on men from Alex (Justin Long), even if she is misreading the signs he sends her.

Beth (Jennifer Aniston) is waiting for Neil (Ben Affleck) to propose marriage after 7 years of dating and living together. When he tells her that is never going to happen, she dumps him. I found Beth to be the most likeable character in the movie because she is the only one not screwing anyone over or being screwed over. Beth spends the majority of the movie getting insults and sympathy from her family and taking care of her father after he has a heart attack. The closest thing she has to a date is getting hit on by a male Wiccan at her sister’s wedding, so it’s no surprise that she ends up back with Neil.

Janine (Jennifer Connelly) and Ben (Bradley Cooper) are a married couple in the middle of a house renovation. This renovation is the latest distraction in a failing marriage, which is based on Janine giving Ben an ultimatum- we get married, or we break up. Janine has given up on sex in her marriage and admits she is not as fun as she was at the beginning of the relationship. Janine learns late in the game that her husband is not that into her, and has to start all over again. Connelly has one of the best scenes in the movie as Janine finally makes a decision, and starts throwing Ben’s stuff out of the finished house and smashes a mirror to pieces. Her obsessive-compulsive side kicks in, and she immediately begins sweeping up the mess and leaves her husband’s belongings in a neat pile on the staircase.

The last “couple” are Conor (Kevin Connolly) and Anna (Scarlett Johansson), who are friends with benefits, only they’re not really friends, and there aren’t really benefits. This is the case where she is not into him. Conor never returns Gigi’s calls because he is too busy trying to get something more out of Anna. Meanwhile, Anna is chasing after a career by way of a married man, Ben.

This role-reversal points out what this movie could have used- a little more diversity in the storyline and cast. The movie features four white women with different views and approaches on dating, sex, and love and their white, male love interests. That has been done on “Sex and the City” (yes, I know the movie is based on the book from a line of an episode of SATC). When a black coworker of Alex’s says “Day-amn,” followed by nothing, I can’t help but think of Malik in Not Another Teen Movie saying “I am the token black guy. I'm just supposed to smile and stay out of the conversation and say things like: ‘Damn,’ ‘Shit,’ and ‘That is whack.’”

There are also gay characters, but they are there to comment on their own erections at the office and to teach Mary that Myspace is the new booty call. Conor, while trying to woo the gay crowd for his real estate business, learns that gay signals are different from straight signals: a three second stare means “I want to sleep with you,” anything less than that means “I’m not interested.” Because, gay people are all about one thing and none of them have complex relationships and dating problems?

Overall, this movie is watch-able, but not at all memorable. The actors all do a fine job, but no one stands out. There is some funny dialogue, but no great one-liners. I give it a 4 out of 7. I would give it 5, but…I’m just not that into it.

Rating: 4 out of 7

The Strangers

The true measure of how scary a horror movie is, is how it sticks with you. Friday the 13th movies eventually became something of a joke (a joke I still enjoy), but even so I can't help but think of a hockey mask wearing psycho if I'm by a lake at night (this does not happen often, maybe because Jason Voorhies ruined lakes for me. Or I'm not "outdoorsy.") The Blair Witch Project was a polarizing film- viewers appreciated that it left a lot to the imagination...or they had no imagination (their childhoods must have sucked).

The Strangers did not stick with me. Immediately after watching the film, I walked home over a mile on a cold, winter night, at 4 in the morning, not seeing a single soul. Even Signs had me freaked out the night I saw it. Being an M. Night Shyamalamadingdong movie, it falls apart on repeated viewings. The image of of the alien fingers reaching under doorways still stuck with me enough that I avoided looking at doors for the rest of the night, and literally had to jump into my bed, the way I would have done after a nightmare when I was six years old. So...I am not tough.

On my walk alone, in the middle of the night, through sketchy backroads immediately after watching this movie, I should have been envisioning people in a suit and a hood or maternity dresses and weird cupie-doll masks. I have an overactive imagination, but even my delusional brain can't make those things scary. The hood was a too-tailored, Hollywood-ized version of what Jason Voorhies wore in Friday the 13th II. In the few scenes it is shown out of focus, in the background, it was admittedly somewhat offputting. The girls wearing doll masks and hippie clothes were never scary. And I think dolls and hippies are scary, so go figure.

Most of the time, the villains are making lame attempts at taunting the couple played by Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman. I would delve into their story and characters, but their story is boring and, what characters? Both are decent actors, but they don't have much to do here. It could have been a silent film, the dialogue was so forgettable.

The lurky figures in the background lingered too long and lost their effect. They spend most of the film standing around or slowly stalking the young couple, only to suddenly disappear. Jason was famous for his disappearing act, but you knew if he took off, he was killing someone more expendable. By the end of this movie, only 3 people die, and the three killers are responsible for only 2 deaths. First of all, that is a terrible murdering average. Second, the death they are not responsible for is the only dramatic or suspenseful one. Scary villains? They are about as scary as the bumbling trio of fools from Superman III, but nobody turns into a robot.

Note: this movie is not even 90 minutes long, but it will fill like 2 hours plus. It is also misleadingly "based on a true story." The story stems from an incident in which a stranger came knocking on director Bryan Bertino's door as child, and later he found out houses had been broken into. The rest is based on the Manson family. I would call that remotely based on a true story.

Rating: 3 out of 7

Seven Pounds

“An IRS agent with a fateful secret embarks on an extraordinary journey of redemption by forever changing the lives of seven strangers.”

The trailers were vague enough for this film, and I had seen so few, that I was able to go into this movie without any expectations. It was the 2nd movie I’ve seen in two years, the other being I Am Legend, that was saved by casting Will Smith. If anyone less entertaining and engaging than Smith was cast in either movie, they would have been terrible.

Seven Pounds could have come off as completely cheesy crap, if not for the performances. It is almost the Patch Adams of 2008, seeming like a good film at first, until you re-watch it and realize that it is overly sappy schlock. Luckily, Robin Williams is not trying to change seven lives here.

Will Smith and Rosario Dawson have surprisingly endearing on screen chemistry. Dawson was sassy and sweet; I liked her in this more than anything I’ve seen her in. Even so, the film focuses too much on them, and not enough on the overall process that Thomas is going through. Smith gave another great performance, but there should have been more for him to work with. I would have liked to see some of the darker side of what Ben Thomas was going through; we only get glimpses of him dealing with the guilt that set him on his journey.

A scene at the very beginning shows exactly where the movie is going, but there are several quick flashbacks, as if the filmmakers are trying to disguise the sequence of events. The plot unfolds very slowly at first. If you pay attention, the clues come together very gradually. Most of the audience still seemed shocked by events toward the end that to me didn’t seem so secret by that point.

The name itself is still somewhat puzzling. Many assume it refers to the weight of one specific thing (highlight for Spoiler- the human heart), but a little research will tell you that one thing doesn’t weigh anywhere close to 7 pounds. Others are interpreting it as the accumulated weight of things Ben Thomas is giving back, but considering the weight of one of those items (spoiler- a beach house), that makes no sense. The best explanation I’ve found is a reference to “The Merchant of Venice”-he is giving back a symbolic “pound of flesh” to each of the seven people he has decided to help, to redeem himself.

I thought Seven Pounds might be the first Oscar-nominated movie I’ve seen before the awards in years, that didn’t happen to be a blockbuster everyone saw. The story itself is coherent and somewhat interesting, but its execution is not Oscar worthy. I would rather see Smith or Dawson win an acting award on a better film, in memorable roles.

Overall grade: 4

Company Loves Misery

Yesterday was a half-day at work. Unlike when a blizzard hit last year and management waited until the height of the storm to close the school, our new president informed us all in the morning that school would close at noon. So this time I didn’t have to take six hours getting home, by train, then trying to drive, leaving my car in the garage overnight, and getting back on the train to be picked up. Instead, I had a leisurely stroll to get some refreshments and settle in with a nice winter storm movie.

But this wasn’t the kind of day that called for a Christmas movie. No, this kind of day being trapped inside for a few hours, a week before Christmas called for a nice, warm, winter horror movie: Misery. I love watching movies at appropriate times: Christmas movies in December; horror movies in October; Ferris Bueller’s Day Off when skipping work (it’s like my version of the museum scene- why would you do that on your day off?). Misery may be the perfect movie to watch during your time waiting out a storm. Why?

It’s legit! First, the movie itself is great. The performances are fantastic. James Caan is entertaining as the increasingly sarcastic writer Paul Sheldon who can’t escape his biggest fan. “You know, some people might consider this an oddball situation,” his character Paul Sheldon tells his caretaker Annie Wilkes, as she forces him to write a sequel he never planned.

Even better, is Kathy Bates in the role of Annie Wilkes, a former nurse whose current patient is her favorite author, who she doesn’t plan on letting go of. Kathy Bates won an Oscar and a Golden Globe for her performance, and both are well deserved. She is all at once sweet, frightening, and funny. She’s a monster that you don’t relate to until she is shown sitting in bed watching The Love Connection, eating a bag of Cheetos with a 2 liter soda bottle on her nightstand. Or was I the only one who saw a bit of myself in her in that scene?

Misery all Winter long: I love Christmas movies, and there are a few that I HAVE to watch every year. If I didn’t love them, I would have gone to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame when I visited Cleveland, because it was next to my hotel. Instead, I walked 4 miles downtown to visit the House from A Christmas Story. Misery is a winter movie that isn’t weird to watch when the holidays are over. You can watch it any time a snow storm comes, which in Boston can be from December through April.

Other movies are inappropriate: Um, there’s a blizzard going on outside. People are skidding around all irrational on their cars. Some may take hours to get home and there could be injuries and death. Wouldn’t you feel like a fool watching something like Snow Day with Chevy Chase should something unfortunate happen?

“The swearing, Paul”: I’m a bit of a potty mouth, so it’s good to find low-key alternatives to swearing by calling something an “oogie mess” or yelling “cock-a-doodie” in traffic. Annie Wilkes is also inspiring too any dirty birdy in the way she can invent new swear words like “bitchly” and “Christ-ing.”

Warm-fuzzy feeling: The whole time you watch this movie, you can just think “At least I’m not in Paul Sheldon’s situation,” and what could be more reassuring? When he’s being drugged and trying to slip knockout powder into Annie’s wine, you’re eating popcorn and slipping more Bailey’s into your friend’s or special someone's coffee.

The next time a storm hits, bring on the Misery. Grab a warm drink, wrap yourself up in a blanket, and be happy that no one is going to take a sledgehammer to your ankles.